Hold on loosely

I’m done with the predictions, the calculations, the plans, alternate plans, and back up plans, as it’s becoming ever more apparent to me that they are unnecessary and, more to the point, a waste of time and mental energy.

Maybe this sounds defeatist, but I don’t think it is.

Instead I’m going to work on holding things more loosely, on letting go of my natural desire to know what’s coming -- to somehow plan for and control the future.

“It is possible to befriend uncertainty, to remind yourself and others of the fluid, ever-changing nature of things. To remain awake to all possibility,” writes Rachel Naomi Remen MD, in her chapter titled “Promises, Promises.”

This chapter, like many others in her book, “My Grandfather’s Blessings,” is the outcome of what she learned from her late grandfather, an Orthodox rabbi and scholar of the Kabbalah. This particular chapter stems from his custom of adding the words “God willing” to any voiced future plans. Because, well, you never know…..

I am not Jewish, nor do I carry with me wisdom from my grandfathers, as both were dead before I was old enough to retain clear memories of them, my father’s father dying when my father was still just a boy, from a lone strike of lightning – the perfect illustration to my point, for tell me who could have seen that coming.

My decision to let go of my attachment to particular outcomes stems from something far less dramatic, from another bleed while lying in this hospital bed last night. I have finally come to realize that I will not know when this baby is coming until she comes, and to recalculate her due date based on every drop of blood, or doctor’s prediction, or subconscious desire is both useless and exhausting.

So if you ask me for details or dates regarding her birth and I just shrug my shoulders, please don’t take offense. I’ve just finally come to terms with the fact that she’ll burst into this world when she’s ready, God willing.