I stink

I stink. And that's not my low self-esteem talking.

It's a fact.

I really stink sometimes.

My theory is that because I have been going to hot yoga classes regularly for a decade my body is really, really good at sweating. It is so adept at sweating that when I don't make it to the studio for a good sweat, I'm done for. I stink. Seriously.

I typically practice in the late afternoon or evening so, low and behold, come about 4 pm, my body is ready to go. It starts to get its funk on. It wants its daily cleanse.

 "Go Ask Alice!" tells me, however, that only a minimal amount of toxins are released via sweat, that instead detoxification is really mostly the job of the liver (uh oh) and kidneys, not the sweat glands, and that sweating it out in the heat is simply a means of thermoregulation, not an effective  means of ridding the body of its bad juju.

Whatever.

Alice is pretty much a bitch, don't you think?

Who cares what she thinks. I don't. I think it's good for you. I love getting dripping wet, I almost always feel cleansed and detoxified after a good sweaty class.

I mean, case in point, who hasn't forced themselves to workout when hungover and not felt better afterward (assuming you made it through the work out)? Your body wants that shit out of your system. That liver of yours needs some assistance sometimes.

Aunt Yoga, not nearly as much of a harpy as Alice, concurs. She tells me that "Small amounts of alcohol can be eliminated in perspiration, so if it feels good for you to sweat buckets with a hangover, go ahead."

Thanks, auntie. I agree, yoga sweat IS magic.

But, still, what to do?

It's not always convenient, this stank. Sometimes I want to go out straight from work. Lord help me if I'm wearing wool. Funky sweat and wool fabric -- not a winning combination.

I carry a Mennen Speed Stick around with me in my purse. I shit you not. It kind-of helps.

Laugh if you must, but just try to find a woman's deodorant that is at all effective. Every single big-brand, box-store woman's brand is an antiperspirant, not a deodorant. Look next time, I triple-cat dare you to. I just don't jive with trying to stop my body from sweating (duh, see above), and my crystal and natural deodorants (not antiperspirants) don't seem to work at all.

My recent Google search has informed me that women are turned on by men's BO, but it didn't uncover that this scent attraction works the other way. This hardly seems fair.

It does say that using natural astringents such as tea tree oil and witch hazel can help as can upping your vegetables, especially greens high in chlorophyll like wheatgrass and cilantro. Cutting out alcohol and red meat and garlic can help too. But a garlicky smell is not my problem.

What is my funk? What's yours? Let's take a look at the Stinky Wheel, shall we?

Luckily I can say with some confidence that my tang is not goaty, wet dog, or boar taint (ew!). Nor is it rancid butter or passion fruit. No, if I had to pick, I'd say I'm in the chemical group. How enticing! I mean, mint would be kinda nice wouldn't it? Grapefruit would be fine option too. Vinegar and alcohol? Less alluring.

Is anyone out there chicken broth? Lol.

Long, stench-filled story short, I stink. So if you see me out doing shots of wheat grass instead of Patron, munching on parsley florettes instead of beef carpaccio, you'll know why.

Or maybe I'll just up my hours at the yoga studio.