bye guy

I thought I would wait until next week to write about this, but who am I kidding? It’s really the only thing on my mind. Today is day 3 of my first ever purifying cleanse. Do I seem pure?

I’ve been needing a food intervention for a while now. A pound here and a pound there is no big deal, until those stray pounds gang up on me to become a number of pounds that warrants losing.

I strongly prefer not to diet. I like to think that if I eat good food and exercise regularly, I’ll always remain the goddess of my imagination. I lost a lot of weight when my kids were little, and have vowed never to buy a bigger clothing size. I am still within that size, but some things are less comfy when they strangle my burgeoning spare tire.  

Aside: one night a long time ago, Ellie and I were facebook messaging and one of us mentioned our gut, but with the typo of “guy”, and we died laughing as we referred to our bellies as guys for the rest of the conversation.  “nigh night, lil’ guy!”

I guess I don’t do very well with just trying to eat less, I need to have a plan and be pretty strict about it. So one day at Costco I found myself sampling 3 juices from a pre-packaged cleanse, and they were all tasty enough so I bought it, and kept it in the fridge until I was ready to jump in, which I did this Tuesday.  My intention was not that this would be a magical transformative elixir, I doubt that there will even be any noticeable weight loss, but by keeping track of everything I put in to this hot bod for 3 whole days and eliminating meat/dairy/chemicals/refined sugar/bad carbs/ohmygodcoffee/ohmygodbooze, I’d kick start some sort of reset from which I could start to tackle the guy.  (hi guy!)

In typical Jacquie fashion, I started first and then tried to figure out what I was supposed to do. This is a relatively easy cleanse since you get to have actual food in addition to the 3 drinks every day.  I figured I could improvise since I had to go to Trader Joe’s before lunch on Tuesday anyway. So in I jumped, with my first drink

PREPARE: acerola cherry + lemon + cayenne superfood juice

Holy hell, that thing packs a punch! Excellent cayenne kick, thank you doctah. I also got to have some nuts, which I did not have so I picked the almonds out of a pack of trail mix. Close enough. 

A few hours later after returning from Trader Joe’s with my bounty, I prepared the midmorning snack

Berries and quinoa! Yum.  The recipe called for coconut oil but I can’t tolerate that shit for crazy reasons that perhaps I’ll explain some day but suffice it to say it’s a lice remedy and just…no.

Then for lunch I was supposed to have a red potato/green bean/mustard salad but because I was at work I opted to trade that meal out for some hippie leaf salad, which I traded out for this prepackaged kale/edamame salad because really, does a leaf even exist that is more hippie than kale? It was delicious even without the dressing and it’s 25 grams of fat.  Also, I had the drink

ELIMINATE: kale + apple + parsley + cucumber = PUKE. It tastes vaguely like grape leaves, but not in a good way.

I had my 3^rd drink while driving home and I forgot to take a picture of it, it looks and tastes like chocolate milk, use your imagination. 

RECHARGE: brazil nut + cashew + cocoa 

Then I had a great, sweaty work out, then I raced home because I was so excited about my dinner:

open faced veggie burger on spinach salad with avocado, mushrooms, and red onion.

After dinner I made the potato salad to have for lunch on day 2, and prepped the drinkie poos.

Day 2 started again with the weirdly awesome spicy drink, then I had to wait til 10:00 for my mid-morning snack of berries and almonds.

I found myself hungry while waiting for 2:00, even though the thing I was waiting for was that vile green sludge. I took a moment out of my crazy productive day to look over my plan, and was so pissed to realize that I’d forgotten to put avocado on my veggie burger! I wuz ROBBED.  I also began to suspect that I had put too many potatoes in the lunch meal, because I have no idea about weights and measures. But my salad looked more like something one would put on the table with a serving spoon than a mid day meal for someone on a purifying cleanse. So I meticulously picked out half of the taters and threw them in the garbage. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But the good news was that I am really stupid! 10:00 + 3 hours  = 1:00, not 2:00! Yay!

I started writing this as I enjoyed that meal. And now that I am completely sucked in to the geekfest of publishing my cleanse, I see that it's pretty boring. I feel great, I've peed no less than 400 times, and I have just a slight headache to remind me that I haven't had coffee in two days. 

Let me wrap up by telling you what is in store for me for the rest of today and tomorrow, and I promise that if anything interesting transpires I will duly report back. Otherwise we'll move on. K? k.

4:00 RECHARGE: brazil nut + cashew + cocoa

        raw veggie snack

7:00 Creamy cauliflower zucchini soup. I forgot to get zucchini. Can I use asparagus? Thanks. 

Day 3

8:00  PREPARE: acerola cherry + lemon + cayenne superfood juice

         handful of nuts with grapefruit (you think I have grapefruit? you're wrong)

11:00 overnight oatmeal - no, I don't think so. Prolly the berries & quinoa again

2:00  ELIMINATE: kale + apple + parsley + cucumber (= PUKE)

         steamed veggies with tofu

5:00  RECHARGE: brazil nut + cashew + cocoa

8:00  some lentil/mushroom/butternut squash thing

Day 4

coffee

meat

booze

the end.