I thought I would wait until next week to write about this,
but who am I kidding? It’s really the only thing on my mind. Today is day 3 of
my first ever purifying cleanse. Do I seem pure?
I’ve been needing a food intervention for a while now. A
pound here and a pound there is no big deal, until those stray pounds gang up
on me to become a number of pounds that warrants losing.
I strongly prefer not to diet. I like to think that if I eat good food and exercise regularly, I’ll always remain the goddess of my imagination. I lost a lot of weight when my kids were little, and have vowed never to buy a bigger clothing size. I am still within that size, but some things are less comfy when they strangle my burgeoning spare tire.
Aside: one night a long time ago, Ellie and I were facebook
messaging and one of us mentioned our gut, but with the typo of “guy”, and we
died laughing as we referred to our bellies as guys for the rest of the
conversation. “nigh night, lil’ guy!”
I guess I don’t do very well with just trying to eat less, I
need to have a plan and be pretty strict about it. So one day at Costco I found myself sampling 3 juices from a
pre-packaged cleanse, and they were all tasty enough so I bought it, and kept it in
the fridge until I was ready to jump in, which I did this Tuesday. My intention was not that this would be a
magical transformative elixir, I doubt that there will even be any noticeable weight
loss, but by keeping track of everything I put in to this hot bod for 3 whole
days and eliminating meat/dairy/chemicals/refined sugar/bad
carbs/ohmygodcoffee/ohmygodbooze, I’d kick start some sort of reset from which
I could start to tackle the guy. (hi
guy!)
In typical Jacquie fashion, I started first and then tried
to figure out what I was supposed to do. This is a relatively easy cleanse
since you get to have actual food in addition to the 3 drinks every day. I figured I could improvise since I had to go
to Trader Joe’s before lunch on Tuesday anyway. So in I jumped, with my first
drink
Holy hell, that thing packs a punch! Excellent cayenne kick, thank you doctah. I also got to have some nuts, which I did not have so I picked the almonds out of a pack of trail mix. Close enough.
A few hours later after returning from Trader Joe’s with my
bounty, I prepared the midmorning snack
Berries and quinoa! Yum. The recipe called for coconut oil but I can’t tolerate that shit for crazy reasons that perhaps I’ll explain some day but suffice it to say it’s a lice remedy and just…no. |
Then for lunch I was supposed to have a red potato/green bean/mustard salad but because I was at work I opted to trade that meal out for some hippie leaf salad, which I traded out for this prepackaged kale/edamame salad because really, does a leaf even exist that is more hippie than kale? It was delicious even without the dressing and it’s 25 grams of fat. Also, I had the drink
ELIMINATE: kale + apple + parsley + cucumber = PUKE. It tastes vaguely like grape leaves, but not in a good way. |
I had my 3rd drink while driving home and I
forgot to take a picture of it, it looks and tastes like chocolate milk, use
your imagination.
RECHARGE: brazil nut + cashew + cocoa
Then I had a great, sweaty work out, then I raced home
because I was so excited about my dinner:
After dinner I made the potato salad to have for lunch on day 2, and prepped the drinkie poos.
open faced veggie burger on spinach salad with avocado, mushrooms, and red onion. |
After dinner I made the potato salad to have for lunch on day 2, and prepped the drinkie poos.
Day 2 started again with the weirdly awesome spicy drink, then I had to wait til 10:00 for my mid-morning snack of berries and almonds.
I found myself hungry while waiting for 2:00, even though
the thing I was waiting for was that vile green sludge. I took a moment out of
my crazy productive day to look over my plan, and was so pissed to realize that
I’d forgotten to put avocado on my veggie burger! I wuz ROBBED. I also began to suspect that I had put too
many potatoes in the lunch meal, because I have no idea about weights and
measures. But my salad looked more like something one would put on the table
with a serving spoon than a mid day meal for someone on a purifying cleanse. So
I meticulously picked out half of the taters and threw them in the garbage. It
was the hardest thing I’d ever done. But the good news was that I am really
stupid! 10:00 + 3 hours = 1:00, not
2:00! Yay!
I started writing this as I enjoyed that meal. And now that I am completely sucked in to the geekfest of publishing my cleanse, I see that it's pretty boring. I feel great, I've peed no less than 400 times, and I have just a slight headache to remind me that I haven't had coffee in two days.
Let me wrap up by telling you what is in store for me for the rest of
today and tomorrow, and I promise that if anything interesting
transpires I will duly report back. Otherwise we'll move on. K? k.
4:00 RECHARGE: brazil nut + cashew + cocoa
raw veggie snack
7:00 Creamy cauliflower zucchini soup. I forgot to get zucchini. Can I use asparagus? Thanks.
Day 3
8:00 PREPARE: acerola cherry + lemon + cayenne superfood juice
handful of nuts with grapefruit (you think I have grapefruit? you're wrong)
11:00 overnight oatmeal - no, I don't think so. Prolly the berries & quinoa again
2:00 ELIMINATE: kale + apple + parsley + cucumber (= PUKE)
steamed veggies with tofu
5:00 RECHARGE: brazil nut + cashew + cocoa
8:00 some lentil/mushroom/butternut squash thing
Day 4
coffee
meat
booze
the end.
Hi lil' guy!!
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up, Jacqueline. One of my (many) favorite lines is:
"But the good news was that I am really stupid!"
And can you imagine if *I* did such a cleanse? (perishthethought) Everything would be meticulously weighed and measured, there would be *no* substitutions, and, well, let's face it, that whole no-booze-or-coffee thing? Right. Perishthethought.
But congrats and good for you, because all those leafy (i.e. hippie) greens look *awesome*, yum.
Bye lil' guy!
xoxoEllie
Holy cow, Jacq, I did not know you were cleansing. Such good luck. Especially the no coffee!! xo
ReplyDeleteEspecially the booze ;) Just kidding, of course.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, J! I like the 3-day sound of it. I have been contemplating a cleanse my acupuncturist is all gung-ho about, but it's 2 weeks. 2 WEEKS! Although I am plenty toxic, I just don't feel quite THAT toxic yet.
And can we get a Yay! for day 4?! I hope it arrives early, kinda like the 1 o'clock 2 o'clock time warp.
I very much admire you for so many things, but today, in this post, I deeply admire your lack of hesitancy to substitute. You go!
xoxo,
Beth
I cleansed last week and then this week... epic fail. I have to start all over. Next week. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThat said, yay you! Also, overnight oats are so SIMPLE, why not?
Also, I am a measurer of all that can be measured. Speaking of, I'm going to go eat my measured and weighed lunch.
Good for you Jacq, I love Day 4. xo mom
ReplyDeleteone name....JJ Virgin....check her out....
ReplyDelete