Nobody Wanted It In The First Place

A few Saturday nights ago I had my jacket stolen from the bar where the Reducers were playing their annual Thanksgiving show.

It was my special, beloved suede jacket that my Mom, in her unending and unerring love, stole from her sister-in-law's storage space for me. What??  Uffie didn't need it -- she was in a nursing home and, sadly, bed-bound -- Mom knew I loved it, and she was mad at Uffie for not giving it to me. So she took matters into her own capable hands.

I was wearing a sweater that night, too, and wrapped them around eachother, rolled them up into a big warm ball, and put them on a shelf above a table piled with a million coats.

When Schleckah and I made our move to leave, my big rolled up ball of love wasn't on the shelf. I found my sweater tossed in amid the pile of coats on the table, but my jacket was gone.

I was so upset that night -- my Uffie jacket! -- but I was pissed in the morning. Until I heard the same thing had happened to Martha . . . with her expensive electronic car key in her jacket pocket. The ensuing drama is too ridiculous, too incredible, too perfect to try to paraphrase. So here it is ripped directly from emails, in all its absurd glory. And color-coded for easy comprehension. As if that's even remotely possible.


From: Martha
To: Caley
Subject: Re: Reducers - Email For The Band
Date: Sunday, November 28, 2010, 2:20 AM

Hey Caley - Martha here -

Did you happen to pick up any extra jacket from the Bank Street tonight? A couple went missing, including mine, with my car key in it... and our friend Ellie's which was right by the amps and merch stuff where you were sitting. If you picked them up by mistake with your things, can you let me know right away?

Great to see you, and happy Thanksgiving,

Thanks,
Martha


From: Ellie
To: Martha
Subject: Re: Reducers - Email For The Band
Date: Sunday, November 28, 2010, 9:46 AM

Thanks Martha. What the hell is going on over there?

So sorry about your key -- do you have a replacement?

I'm pissed at those rotten thieves.


From: Caley
To: Martha
Subject: Just got your message Right you are
Date: November 28, 2010 7:24:19 PM

Oh Martha, yes I do have your jackets! Sorry, --I thought I was grabbing my sweater and black jacket. I woke up at my friend's house today and when I wanted to leave, my big chill coat with my Explorer rental key in the pocket was nowhere to be found. I had to get a tow truck to come replace my rental car and I'm going to be paying big for it so I am amply punished :). I left the other jacket in Laurie's car but just called her==she found it and we will promptly mail off your coats tomorrow if you give me an address/addresses to mail them to. Did anybody find my jacket and key? That key could save me some money off the fine.


From: Martha
To: Caley
Cc: Ellie
Subject: Re: Just got your message Right you are
Date: Sunday, November 28, 2010, 11:17 PM

Hi Caley,

Great news! Ellie's suede jacket was an inheritance from her beloved aunt, and my key to Peter's Mini is one of those fancy computer ones that are very expensive to replace.

We both went to the Bank Street Cafe today, and they had two or three jackets that they found from last night. Peter or Ellie can go tomorrow (Monday) and see if your rental car key is in one of the lost & found jackets.

Are you already back in San Diego? Please give us your address so we can send you the rental car key & your jacket, too.

Please mail ours both to the Dutch Tavern as soon as possible.

Thanks so much,
Martha


From: Ellie
To: Martha
Subject: Re: Just got your message Right you are
Date: Monday, November 29, 2010, 9:25 AM

This gets curiouser and curiouser . . .

What did she say in her email to you? And I'm *still* trying to figure out why she took off with a bag of jackets anyway......

I'm happy to be the one to go to BSC, if you tell me what I'm looking for.

I feel like I should hold *her* jacket and key as collateral, though, until we get ours.

Finally, who *is* this person???
xx


From: Martha
To: Ellie
Cc: Peter
Subject: RE: Just got your message Right you are
Date: Monday, November 29, 2010, 10:35 AM

Ooh, sorry, thought you would see her letter. I can’t forward it because it came to my other address and I don’t have webmail access to that; if Peter gets this in time maybe he can forward it to you. She had to get her rental car towed because she didn’t have her key in the morning… Peter’s comment was “what a train wreck!”

I think we are looking for a big jacket with a rental key in it, and a sweatshirt.

Thanks, Ellie.
Martha


From: Ellie
To: Martha
Cc: Peter
Subject: RE: Just got your message Right you are
Date: Monday, November 29, 2010, 10:39 AM

Okay, I'll go down to BSC later today and look for and take any and all jackets and keys and sweatshirts.

Peter did forward me her email. She sounds sincere about sending our stuff back, train wreck notwithstanding.

But, um, wouldn't you think she'd check with the bar to see if they had her key before she called a tow truck? Aye-yah-yie.

Thanks you two. I would be really really really happy to get that jacket back. And your jacket back, MJC. *And* that fancy-schmancy key.
xxx

In the meantime, other friends were dutifully concerned . . .

From: Mr. Dibble
To: Ellie
Subject: Recent unpleasantness
Date: Tuesday, November 30, 2010, 8:12 AM

My Dear Ms. Corey, I write today to inquire regarding the recent unpleasantness at the Bank Street Cafe. Did your coat turn up? If it did, I'm glad. If not, that sucks. My own drinking Carhartt was on that pile and I know I would be bereft at its loss. I remain, as ever, y'r ob'd s'vnt, mjd


From: Ellie
To: Mr. Dibble
Subject: Re: Recent unpleasantness
Date: Tuesday, November 30, 2010, 8:40 AM

The jury's still out -- apparently some drunken Reducers fan from long ago got loaded and took a whole pile of coats, hoping, I don't know, hers would be one of them? She left behind her own, with her rental car key.

She has promised to mail Martha's and mine, but we'll see about that. In the meantime, yesterday I was supposed to go back to the dump that is the BSC and see if her rental key is in any of the jackets left behind. But they were closed.


From: Mr. Dibble
To: Ellie
Subject: Re: Recent unpleasantness
Date: Tuesday, November 30, 2010, 10:37 AM

Not to exaggerate Elizabeth's accomplishments, but I believe that she espied the perp staggering off with her bag of swag and her description led to an identification by Martha. What is the world coming to? Drunks leave things behind; they are not supposed to end up with extra stuff. mjd


From: Ellie
To: Mr. Dibble
Subject: Re: Recent unpleasantness
Date: Tuesday, November 30, 2010, 10:44 AM

Well, unless the extra stuff is a headache and a serious case of the dry-gags.

The next day? Martha's jacket was mailed to the Tavern, fancy electronic key and all. And I went to the bar and got Caley's jacket and sweatshirt, fancy rental electronic key and all . . .

From: Ellie
To: Martha
Cc: Peter
Subject: RE: Just got your message Right you are
Date: Wednesday, December 1, 2010, 9:31 AM

So. One jacket returned, one Mini key returned, one jacket and one sweatshirt and one rental key (*with* expensive "bloop-bloop" attachment) recovered . . . now what?

I didn't mean to dump those jackets on you, Peter, but I had to drop off Bill downtown and figured this way you'd know we have her rental car key, when you email her to thank her for Martha's jacket.

Now we just have to figure a way to get *my* jacket out of hock . . .


From: Peter
To: Ellie
Subject: jacket update
Date: Thursday, December 2, 2010, 8:23 PM

Hey Ellie-

Just heard from Caley and your jacket should be on its way back to you shortly. Did you write to her?

Just wondering.
-Peter


From: Ellie
To: Peter
Subject: Re: jacket update
Date: Thursday, December 2, 2010, 8:51 PM

No I did not! I only wrote to you -- you firmly grabbed this project into your capable hands.

Why, what did she say??

Peter immediately forwarded her email to me . . .

From: Peter
To: Caley
Subject: jackets
Sent: Thu, Dec 2, 2010 2:55 am

Hey Caley-

I'm waiting to hear where you want this jacket (with rental key) sent. Also to hear if you can get the other jacket back to us - our friend is really hoping to get it back.

Thanks.
-Peter


From: Caley
To: Peter
Subject: Re: jackets, do I ever go back on my word?
Date: December 2, 2010 7:37:18 PM

Hey Peter--I sent an email earlier to the other address, the Reducers site from which Martha contacted me. As stated there, my address is [blah blah]. I assume you have received Martha's jacket and your Mini key? Acknowledge? Please send jacket. Unfortunately, I have already been fined for 225 for the key and 325 for the tow replacement, so I hope you guys don't think we want your coats-- Now Ellie, your jacket is coming--the lady I was visiting in RI was on a business trip from Mon-today, --she is not a player in this jacket trade, she didn't know it was in her car, she's returning it!!! I'll forward her irreverant message as proof. Peter--I have never NOT done what I said I would do--Ellie will have her coat, nobody wanted it in the first place, it was mistaken for a sweater like the jacket. I wish nobody ill-will, this all sucks, but trust me.


From: Peter
To: Caley
Subject: Fwd: That's about right--and you're right
Date: Thursday, December 2, 2010, 8:53 PM

Caley-
Calm down girl! I never received your earlier message, so I don't know where you sent it - if it was to the Reducer site it takes a while to get forwarded to me. I didn't know that you had replied and I was honestly wondering where I should send this jacket & pullover. Plus, I wrote you a day or two ago to acknowledge the speedy recovery of Martha's jacket & key. If you failed to get that message I'm sorry, and I haven't a clue why you wouldn't have. Now that I have an address I will get this in the mail tomorrow - promise. And thanks for helping get Ellie's jacket back. I know this was just a mistake all around, and I'm just looking forward to clearing it all up. So Martha has her jacket, yours goes in the mail tomorrow and when possible your pal will send Ellie's back.

Sorry for the confusion but I wouldn't write and ask for an address if I already had it! I don't know why messages are going missing, but hopefully we're all caught up now.

Thanks Caley.
-Peter


From: Caley
To: Peter
Subject: That's about right--and you're right
Date: December 2, 2010 8:38:03 PM

haha, yes I should calm down. ( recounting the financial lashings from Budget Rentals--it is a lesson to all of us not to leave our car keys in jacket pockets)-- tell Ellie to Fear Not, the jacket is coming--I'd assure she'll get it by early next week . Thanks again, Caley


From: Ellie
To: Peter
Subject: Re: Fwd: That's about right--and you're right
Date: Thursday, December 2, 2010, 8:59 PM

Peter, thank you.

Poor poor Caley. To quote Billy, "Caley's had a bad week."

Aye-yah-yie. Just don't take other peeps' jackets, wouldja?

Sigh.

You handled her wonderfully. And I finally think I might see that Uffie jacket back, after all......

(And this is totally a blog post)


From: Peter
To: Ellie
Subject: Re: That's about right--and you're right
Date: Thursday, December 2, 2010, 9:31 PM

Ellie-
I know how to handle my womens!
-Peter


From: Ellie
To: Peter
Subject: Re: That's about right--and you're right
Date: Thursday, December 2, 2010, 9:32 PM

Clearly.

And then on Saturday, it happened . . .

From: Peter
To: Caley
Subject: Final Chapter
Sent: Mon, Dec 6, 2010 5:56 pm

Hey Caley-

Just to let you know that Ellie's jacket showed up at the tavern and so everyone is reunited with his or her items/keys/etc. Thanks!

Hope all's well - see you next time you're back east.

Merry Xmas!
-Peter


From: Claey
To: Peter
Subject: Re: jackets - one more time
Date: December 7, 2010 8:38:16 PM

Great--phew! Merry Christmas to you guys and all back there, thanks!


"Nobody wanted it in the first place"?

Oh, Caley, I beg to differ.