Shadow land

I ​was just finally able to drag myself out of bed. I lay there for much longer than usual, ​trying to somehow ​get a grip on what's happened. It's interesting to me to notice ​that what I feel is so similar to what I felt the moment I realized​ my first ​marriage was over.​

​T​here's a sense of groundless,​ and confusion, of not knowing exactly how or ​why this could ​

 happen​,​ ​or where things are going to go. Feelings of utter disbelief and disappointment.

I feel the same nausea that I did then.​ I'm weepy like I was. ​I likely won't eat much of anything today.​  I'll probably continue to stay a mess all morning and then pull myself together for my kids,​  which is what I did then too.

​Aghh, my kids. Sucky day to be a parent, isn't it? I​   actually think my older two girls will all understand how this happened ​and realize that it is now more important then ever to stand up for justice and social rights, for the environment and equality. It's my younger daughter that I think will be the most perplexed. ​ But of course, living in the NOW as she does, she will also be the first to move on, to stay in the present moment instead of projecting her fears and disappointments into a day that hasn't even yet arrived.​

​On another level, I am very, very angry. As a woman, I am angry. Extremely angry. I think more than anything this election showed us just how misogynistic this country is. I mean, c'mon, it ​  just makes no rational ​

sense to me that someone who is probably better prepared than any other candidate in history,​ loses to a man with absolutely no experience. The​ $.76 I make into the dollar is really pissing me off right now. I guess that's the good thing about this election​'s ​outcome.​  I​ believe​ people are going to have to really dig deep and decide what they are no longer willing to tolerate​, and what they are willing to work for.​

My boss, although ​a liberal,​  is a misogynist and I honestly ​don't know if I can work for him anymore. Admittedly, this isn't a completely new revelation​,​ but my feeling of urgency is much more intense today​. This sense of disbelief and anger may propel me to make some new and more liberating choices for myself. Maybe you have things that you're now feeling moved to do as well.

​

These will be interesting days for sure.

And we've got a lot of work to do.

But before then, Hawaii. I leave tomorrow morning and I feel a deep sense of relief and gratitude that I get to jet off off to the farthest flung state (and a blue one at that) for a number of days to process this all.  

And if I don't gain some clarity while away, well, there's always legal marijuana. Kidding. I'd rather stay drunk. KIDDING. Kind-of. I bet you know what I mean though.....