Driving Mr. Crazy

Remember this guy?



Recently described as “a young, male, skate-rat version of Jodi Foster”

This year, my two kids go to two schools, so I only take one of them with me when I leave the house each morning. It’s just me and the boy.

I leave the radio off when I drive with my boy, and we talk. Well....he talks, mostly. This wacky stream-of-consciousness just pours out of him and ping-pongs all over the place, bouncing from here to crazy and back so fast that it makes my head spin if I try too hard to follow.

So mostly he talks and I sort of listen, throwing out a strategic “whoa” or “cool” or “what da?” to stay involved as I think about the day ahead or the night before or the idiots who want to take a left from the right turn lane and force me to miss the light when we’re running late.

Every few minutes, I tune in to see where we are. Sometimes I get a snippet like:

“Is there such a thing as a car that drives and flies and floats? Do you think someone is trying to invent that? Probably not, ‘cause it’s impossible. People always want to invent a time machine, right? What was it like in the year 15? Were there cavemen and dinosaurs? I wonder if I’d like living with cavemen. Do you think they’d whack me with those big stick club things? Man, that would hurt.”

Sometimes I play a more active role in the conversation, when he’s not satisfied to answer his own questions and grabs my attention with his subtle yet effective call of



mommymommymommymommymommymommymommymommy!

Yes, boy?

Do you like being a principal? (I’m not a principal)

Sure!

Do you feel proud that you’re in charge of a whole school?
(I am indeed in charge of a whole school)

Yeah!

What if you were an actor?

What if I was?


What kind of movies would you be in?

Ummmm

Could I watch your movies?

Sure!

What if they’re rated R?

Then no

Whaaaaat? I can’t even watch the movies that my own mom is in?

Not if they’re rated R!

But I’d want to see you in movies!

Well, maybe I’d just make PG movies




And this is when it occurs to me that I’m actually arguing with my child about whether or not he can watch the movies that I would make in some alternate reality where I’m a movie star.



What if I decided to make porn?!



Another time, he called:


Mommymommymommymommymommymommy?

Yes, son?

I miss Morgan (he really does)

Me too (me too)

I can’t wait to get another dog

Me either

Can we get a boy dog?

Probably not, daddy and I have always had girl dogs

What if we find a dog that’s really really cute and needs a home and is a boy?

I don’t know buddy, we’ll see

What if he has a wife dog and we don’t know it but she’s having 5 puppies?

Ummmmmm

Could we keep both dogs and all the puppies?

No

Whaaaat? We’d have to take the puppies away from their mom and dad?!

We can’t have that many dogs! They’d poop everywhere.

But the puppies would be so cuuuuute! Pleeeease?!

No, we’ll just have one dog




So can we get a boy dog?

And on we go. It’s such a funny, interesting place to visit, this 9 year old brain.

We miss you, Porgie girl. Thanks for not having 5 puppies.