I'm giving myself permission to recycle old posts during summer

I'm giving myself permission to recycle old posts during summer, and I'm glad because there is some really hilarious shyte in these archives, and you might have missed it the first time around. As is often the case in this here circle of life, it appears that I was in a similarly unoriginal state of mind on a similar date four years ago, but holy crap this list is funny. I have so many favorites, but really can't adequately express my love for the preamble: "If you have a glass eye...":   

Monday, July 13, 2009

How to annoy other people

It’s terribly aggravating to deal with mass e-mailed chain messages.

It’s usually something very dumb, and as much as I love each and every one of each and every one of your guts, when you include me on a cc list alongside every soul you’ve ever met or heard of and warn me that my immortal soul is in danger if I don’t send the message back to you and every soul I’ve ever met or heard of, the best you can hope for in terms of a response from me is an eye roll and a quick delete. And an impressively long run-on sentence on my blog.

Every once in a great while, however, a gem comes along. Today I want to share with you one such gem. Well, maybe two, because as of this moment I can’t pick which one I want to post. These missives have been amusing my family and me for many years now, and every so often one of my sisters will send out an emergency request for someone to find and re-send these particular funnies. Jane sent out such a plea a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been chuckling over these oldies but goodies ever since. I would never ask that you send these en masse to everyone you’ve ever met or heard of. That would be so hypocritical, so shallow, so lame. Instead, why don’t you just send out a link to your favorite blog? The one where all the cool kids are hanging out.

If I have not managed to annoy you yet, let me know and I’ll lay one of these on you:

HOW TO ANNOY OTHER PEOPLE

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking" noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. don t use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
33. Tell your friends 4 days prior that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

  We'll save "pizza man fun" for another (inevitable) unoriginal yet uproariously funny day. Unless you can't wait....