Monday, July 13, 2009

How to annoy other people

It’s terribly aggravating to deal with mass e-mailed chain messages.

It’s usually something very dumb, and as much as I love each and every one of each and every one of your guts, when you include me on a cc list alongside every soul you’ve ever met or heard of and warn me that my immortal soul is in danger if I don’t send the message back to you and every soul I’ve ever met or heard of, the best you can hope for in terms of a response from me is an eye roll and a quick delete. And an impressively long run-on sentence on my blog.

Every once in a great while, however, a gem comes along. Today I want to share with you one such gem. Well, maybe two, because as of this moment I can’t pick which one I want to post. These missives have been amusing my family and me for many years now, and every so often one of my sisters will send out an emergency request for someone to find and re-send these particular funnies. Jane sent out such a plea a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been chuckling over these oldies but goodies ever since. I would never ask that you send these en masse to everyone you’ve ever met or heard of. That would be so hypocritical, so shallow, so lame. Instead, why don’t you just send out a link to your favorite blog? The one where all the cool kids are hanging out.

If I have not managed to annoy you yet, let me know and I’ll lay one of these on you:


  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think
  8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
  9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
  10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
  15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking" noise.
  18. Honk and wave to strangers.
  19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
  21. type only in lowercase.
  22. don t use any punctuation either
  23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
  27. Ask people what gender they are.
  28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  30. Sing along at the opera.
  31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
  33. Tell your friends 4 days prior that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
  34. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

bonus time! pizza man fun:

Things To Say To The Pizza Guy

  1. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Use CB lingo.
  4. Terminate the call with "Remember, we never had this conversation."
  5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
  6. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me" and hang up.
  7. Use these bonus words in conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN PUCE
  8. Do not name the toppings you want. Spell them out.
  9. Stutter on the letter "P".
  10. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
  11. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  12. Change your accent every three seconds.
  13. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
  14. Start your order with "I'd like..." A little later, slap yourself and say "No I don't."
  15. Rent a pizza.
  16. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
  17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say "yes", heave a sigh of relief.
  18. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni". Use the long "I" sound.
  19. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred".
  20. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther away from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
  21. Imitate the order-taker's voice.
  22. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
  23. Play a sitar in the background.
  24. Amuse the order-taker with little-known facts about country music.
  25. Ask to see a menu.
  26. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
  27. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
  28. Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
  29. Doze off in the middle of your order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
  30. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call and ask again.
  31. Order two toppings, then say "no, they'll start fighting".
  32. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
  33. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel town".
  34. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
  35. Try to talk while drinking something.
  36. Start the conversation with "My call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and..action!"
  37. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
  38. When they repeat your order, say "again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
  39. When listing the toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
  40. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
  41. Make the first thing your order mushrooms. Make the last this you say "No mushrooms, please". Hang up before they have time to respond.
  42. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
  43. Haggle.
  44. Order a one-inch pizza.
  45. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.
  46. Dance all around the word "pizza". Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't use that word."
  47. Order a steamed pizza.
  48. If any of the above practices are rejected, put on your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

Now go forth and amuse!


NucMEd is Hot said...

Loved it!

Lola said...

HA! I'm completely annoyed right now. Thanks a lot ;)

Kathi D said...

Let me add one of my personal favorites. In a restaurant where they ask you name because you have to wait for a table, give your name as PawPaw.

Therefore, the announcement will be "PawPaw party of 6."

Me, You, or Ellie said...

I laugh out loud every time I read the pizza man list. It is just absolutely brill.


Me, You, or Ellie said...

Sadly, I have often wanted to do this one lately:

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Many of these are very funny. Thanks for the laughs, J!