Monday, November 14, 2011

Who needs rhetorical questions?

One of those days, people. It's one of those days.

My camera's massive memory card is chock full, and I've been too lazy busy to get around to uploading and/or deleting photos to make space. So I only used my phone camera for photos on this really fun weekend, and I'm having technical difficulty getting them from phone to blog and blah blah cords and software blahdy blah. I'm bored straight to tears by my own pity party. Just know that I've got a good one in the works for you, with a seemingly endless montage of the world's most compelling group photo shoot in the world's most interesting bathroom.

In the meantime, I've been meaning to break out some of the treasures I found on my work computer in an inconspicuous folder called "keepers." I've shared a couple of my keepers in the past, and I still maintain that if reading Pizza Man Fun doesn't make you laugh, we probably shouldn't be friends.

Today's amusement is for all you grammar cops out there. I heart number 32.


Subject: Rules for Writeres

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

And finally...

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


Me, You, or Ellie said...

Ooh, can't wait for the seemingly endless montage of the world's most compelling group photo montage in the world's most interesting bathroom. *That* sounds fun.

But in the meantime, I heart number 28. Because I would *DIE* without hyperbole.


Mom C said...

My shoulders are shaking, while I'm laughing quietly at my desk about the pizza man... mom

Me, You, or Ellie said...

update: I just finished installing new drivers so I could see my phone pics on the computer.. they are really really really really bad. So the photo montage post is going to be *that* special!



Me, You, or Ellie said...

Are you kidding, this looks like a list that should be titled, "the joy of writing!" Alliteration? Absolutely adore alliteration! One word sentances? Genius! And who could live without starting a sentence or two with a conjunction?! And ending with these guys!!!!!!!
Now we are *really* dying to see those bathroom photos. (I really did leave to early, didn't I?!)