Pulverized

We made blender drinks yesterday -- of course we did; it was July out there -- and used, natch, our blender. Because one uses a blender to make blender drinks. It's the law.

The thing about our blender, though? It was a wedding present (thank you, Joan) (I think). And that means that -- like our marriage -- it is 25 years old.

Which also means? It is old-school awesome.

You millennials out there? You Cuisinart-owning one-appliance-blender-cum-food-processor wanna-be's??

Do you have 14 settings?

No, of course you do not. You do not have 14 settings.

We oldsters, though? We've got 14, baby.

We have Whip. We Whip it good.

We have Stir. We Stir it up, little darlin'.

We have Aerate. I looked up Aerate and the sample sentence was "she would aerate the lawn with high heels". I'm going with it.

We have Puree. Bring us your baby; we will Puree her veggies.

We have Crumb. Don't be a Crumb or we will Crumb you.

We have Chop. We can Chop liver.

We have Mix. Some peoples have Mixers: we don't go in for that; we have Mix.

We have Grate. When things get Grating.

We have Grind. Because New London is the home of the Grinder.

We have Beat. We also Got The Beat.

We have Pulverize. We have Pulverize. We can Pulverize things. We can Pulverize everything.

We have Blend. Because it is a Blender.

We have Frappe. Because, apparently, it is Boston in the 1950s.

And we have Liquefy. So don't cross us, because we will Liquefy you.

Does it matter that every speed entails the blades rotating quickly, to efficiently and thoroughly, well, blend the contents of the blender's carafe?

No it does not. Because we can Pulverize.

And because we also have amazing cobalt blue frozen drinks glasses into which to pour our pulverized, frapped, crumbed, pureed, aerated, chopped, blended beverages . . .

They're 25 years old too.