Tuesday, February 12, 2013

I stink

I stink. And that's not my low self-esteem talking.

It's a fact.

I really stink sometimes.

My theory is that because I have been going to hot yoga classes regularly for a decade my body is really, really good at sweating. It is so adept at sweating that when I don't make it to the studio for a good sweat, I'm done for. I stink. Seriously.

I typically practice in the late afternoon or evening so, low and behold, come about 4 pm, my body is ready to go. It starts to get its funk on. It wants its daily cleanse.

 "Go Ask Alice!" tells me, however, that only a minimal amount of toxins are released via sweat, that instead detoxification is really mostly the job of the liver (uh oh) and kidneys, not the sweat glands, and that sweating it out in the heat is simply a means of thermoregulation, not an effective  means of ridding the body of its bad juju.


Alice is pretty much a bitch, don't you think?

Who cares what she thinks. I don't. I think it's good for you. I love getting dripping wet, I almost always feel cleansed and detoxified after a good sweaty class.

I mean, case in point, who hasn't forced themselves to workout when hungover and not felt better afterward (assuming you made it through the work out)? Your body wants that shit out of your system. That liver of yours needs some assistance sometimes.

Aunt Yoga, not nearly as much of a harpy as Alice, concurs. She tells me that "Small amounts of alcohol can be eliminated in perspiration, so if it feels good for you to sweat buckets with a hangover, go ahead."

Thanks, auntie. I agree, yoga sweat IS magic.

But, still, what to do?

It's not always convenient, this stank. Sometimes I want to go out straight from work. Lord help me if I'm wearing wool. Funky sweat and wool fabric -- not a winning combination.

I carry a Mennen Speed Stick around with me in my purse. I shit you not. It kind-of helps.

Laugh if you must, but just try to find a woman's deodorant that is at all effective. Every single big-brand, box-store woman's brand is an antiperspirant, not a deodorant. Look next time, I triple-cat dare you to. I just don't jive with trying to stop my body from sweating (duh, see above), and my crystal and natural deodorants (not antiperspirants) don't seem to work at all.

My recent Google search has informed me that women are turned on by men's BO, but it didn't uncover that this scent attraction works the other way. This hardly seems fair.

It does say that using natural astringents such as tea tree oil and witch hazel can help as can upping your vegetables, especially greens high in chlorophyll like wheatgrass and cilantro. Cutting out alcohol and red meat and garlic can help too. But a garlicky smell is not my problem.

What is my funk? What's yours? Let's take a look at the Stinky Wheel, shall we?
Luckily I can say with some confidence that my tang is not goaty, wet dog, or boar taint (ew!). Nor is it rancid butter or passion fruit. No, if I had to pick, I'd say I'm in the chemical group. How enticing! I mean, mint would be kinda nice wouldn't it? Grapefruit would be fine option too. Vinegar and alcohol? Less alluring.

Is anyone out there chicken broth? Lol.

Long, stench-filled story short, I stink. So if you see me out doing shots of wheat grass instead of Patron, munching on parsley florettes instead of beef carpaccio, you'll know why.

Or maybe I'll just up my hours at the yoga studio.


Pat said...

Must have come from your Dad's side.
Love, Mom

Pickles and Dimes said...

That stink wheel is making me laugh so hard: Rancid Butter?!? Eeeewwww!

Ariel said...

Hormones and stress....would you be having either or both??? Heehee

danadotoo said...

I don't know what the hell I am. Now I'm going to have to figure this out. One thing I know for sure--I'd love to be passion fruit...but who wouldn't?

LAZY, but not too SMELLY in PA said...

"I mean, case in point, who hasn't forced themselves to workout when hungover and not felt better afterward (assuming you made it through the work out)?"
Your answer is ME!
I have tried to avoid forcing a workout when I'm NOT hungover, so drinking would just be a better excuse not to workout...and you know how I feel about sweating. So "no" to the hot yoga, for sure.
If it makes you feel any better, I stink at times, but it is usually explained by lack of bathing and I am all about the Degree (antiperspirant/deoderant combo) to keep the pit smell down.
Guess my body is trained not to expect some outside energy producing activity to help get the toxins out...wish I had trained my kids to not expect so much either :)

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Mint? People's B.O. smells like mint?? Sign me up.

I, too, love a good sweat, but that just doesn't happen to me around here unless it's summer. I miss summer. The hardest workout I get is in the pool and I don't even get to enjoy my sweatiness because of the whole being-in-water thing.

"Cutting out alcohol and red meat and garlic can help too." That's hilarious. Really. Enormously funny. Cutting out booze and garlic would be like, well, like cutting out booze and garlic. *Not* gonna happen.

And finally, there's a website called "Go Ask Alice" which is *not* the seminal book of my youth? I'm shocked and flabbergasted. And I bet MB Corey and Tami Cronin are too.

Great post!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Oh my word, those animalic descriptors are horrendous. If I start to smell like goaty, I'm going to stop exercising altogether.

What a funny post!!