I was watching a workshop video the other night titled Awakening Relating, part of the larger yoga immersion I'm doing.
I got a lot out of it, but the thing that impacted me the most, the one tidbit that really helped me to recast a stuck feeling I was having was this: YOU CAN TRUST EVERYONE TO BE EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE.
Bam! It hit me. I mean, is there a truer statement? Maybe, but this is really really true true.
You can 100% trust people to be exactly who they are. This is not always going to be something that you like. Their being-exactly-who-they-are-ness might piss the hell out of you, in fact, or make you uncomfortable, or frustrated, or scared, or myriad other emotions, but you CAN trust that they will be who they are.
I got some nasty emails from my ex last week, prior to seeing this video. They hit my buttons. I remained relatively un-defensive in my replies to the ugly things that were written, but I did not remain undefensive or okay inside, in my reactive mind. I was offended and mad and having thoughts like, "Omg, who is HE to talk?"...."Doesn't he see the glaring hypocrisy in all this?".... "This is unbelievable!"...."Am I crazy?"
I was so stirred up by the words he had written, that I actually crafted an email to a friend. I wanted to (a) check in to make sure I wasn't, in fact, crazy and (b) (and this is not fun to admit) let her know just how bat shit coo coo my ex is, what nonsense and hate spews forth from his mouth and fingertips. I wanted her to validate my feelings of rage and defensiveness.I wanted her to tell me that he shouldn't be exactly who he is. (Although I didn't realize it at the time.) (note: I did not send the email.)
Here's the rub. He is exactly who he is and "shoulds" suck. He is always going to be exactly who he is, and that is that.
I'm not claiming that I won't get turned around when he lashes out the next time, but this realization, this coming to terms with the fact that we are all who we are, chock full of flaws and grace alike, has provided some solace. You aren't going to change people. To think you can, or to wish that they were otherwise, is really a big fat waste of time and energy, an exercise in crazy.
And I'm trying to cut down on that.