ho ho hors

Lately I've been perusing the internet for holiday hors d’oeuvres (aside: I can finally spell hors d'oeuvres without spellcheck. What a fancy word! Coreys call them hors. Not whores. Necessarily)

I love to cook. I find it relaxing and enjoyable and delicious.  I think that if I didn't have to w-o-r-k, I would be one of those apron wearing moms who produces nourishing color balanced dinners for appreciative, well groomed children and an adoring husband.

Work isn't the only obstacle standing between me and this creepy dream. I have a lousy kitchen. I have a tiny little wall mounted easy bake oven that laughs in the face of your time and temperature calculations.      

I make do, I'm not fussy. I have great cookware and spices.  I have knives. I am a risk taker.

So I've been collecting recipes for party food, and I have very strict selection criteria.      
 
I reject anything I don’t like to eat, obviously.There will be no peanut butter, tuna fish, or bleu cheese at my holiday party!

I also reject many promising looking recipes if I come across a dealbreaker of a phrase.

The following are real examples of phrases from recipes which resulted in immediate rejection from consideration: 

Transfer mixture to a piping bag, and cut a 1/2-inch opening.

You will need a mini muffin tin

Do not overpound slices or they will begin to disintegrate.

 Roll dough

Purée the sautéed liver mixture in a food processor to create a pleasing texture.

Get the Cheese Balls Three Ways Recipe

Meanwhile, prepare an ice-water bath

Hollowed-out boiled red new potatoes make great bowls for caviar, crème fraîche, and chives.

1 cup flour, plus extra for surfaces 

Working with 1 ball at a time

Thankfully, there are many many other recipes out there that contain only pleasing, manageable terms that promise success. And in the end, who cares? Because the very first thing I'll hand to my merry band of misfits is this...

 

 ...and there's always Trader Joe's