how to cut a mango in less than one million steps

When my boy was in first grade, he loved mangoes. He requested them in his lunch every day, and those stupid half lost wannabe tupperware buckets always came home empty. One day, he had the unfortunate experience of succumbing to a gastrointestinal demon after having recently ingested a healthy portion of mango. He never ate them again.

Until today.

My girl loves mangoes, and there is a short lived celebration every time I bring the beast home. It's short lived because we all know that as lovely as the mango is to behold in its virginal state, it is fated to become much, much less after I try to cut it up.

What is it about a mango that makes it so awkward? The shape? The pit? The squish? I buy a mango thinking I've got a nice big hunk of fleshy fruit, and I end up with 1/4 cup of pulverized horror and a murderous disposition. 

I recently pleaded for help on facebook, and received numerous well intended tutorials about how to prettily section the halved fruit after you've hush hush done away with the pit hush hush. And in response, I screamed: HOW DO I GET AROUND THE FUCKING PIT?!?! And I mean that so not metaphorically.

Somewhere in that conversation and/or the ensuing google searches for mango-1-1 assistance, I came to discover that God had created a tool made solely to manage the unwieldy and dehumanizing task of pitting a mango. Behold:

I had to borrow this image from google because I suck. Obviously.

But yay! There's a tool! A tool with good reviews that costs under $10 and will be at my house tomorrow? Yes, please. And thank you Amazon prime.

On Sunday morning, I enlisted some minions to test the new apparatus.

 We followed each step with obsessive compulsive careful attention.

Here's where there was something about aligning with the vertical axis. For God's sake. IT'S FRUIT! 

Line the splitter up on the  freaking vertical axis

Then push down with force to pierce the skin

force!

genius!

Such a much, much cuter display of genius.

voila! genius.

That middle part around the pit? Just gnaw on it. It's awe-some.

As for the halves, score them with a knife

then invert for easy consumption. this particular model would allow only hand shots. What's the teenage boy word for diva?

I've still got some time with this one.

However you slice it, the mango is a tasty beast.

Now you know.