Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Shadow land

I ​was just finally able to drag myself out of bed. I lay there for much longer than usual, ​trying to somehow ​get a grip on what's happened. It's interesting to me to notice ​that what I feel is so similar to what I felt the moment I realized​ my first ​marriage was over.​

​T​here's a sense of groundless,​ and confusion, of not knowing exactly how or ​why this could ​
 happen​,​ ​or where things are going to go. Feelings of utter disbelief and disappointment.

I feel the same nausea that I did then.​ I'm weepy like I was. ​I likely won't eat much of anything today.​  I'll probably continue to stay a mess all morning and then pull myself together for my kids,​  which is what I did then too.

​Aghh, my kids. Sucky day to be a parent, isn't it? I​   actually think my older two girls will all understand how this happened ​and realize that it is now more important then ever to stand up for justice and social rights, for the environment and equality. It's my younger daughter that I think will be the most perplexed. ​ But of course, living in the NOW as she does, she will also be the first to move on, to stay in the present moment instead of projecting her fears and disappointments into a day that hasn't even yet arrived.​

​On another level, I am very, very angry. As a woman, I am angry. Extremely angry. I think more than anything this election showed us just how misogynistic this country is. I mean, c'mon, it ​  just makes no rational ​
sense to me that someone who is probably better prepared than any other candidate in history,​ loses to a man with absolutely no experience. The​ $.76 I make into the dollar is really pissing me off right now. I guess that's the good thing about this election​'s ​outcome.​  I​ believe​ people are going to have to really dig deep and decide what they are no longer willing to tolerate​, and what they are willing to work for.​

My boss, although ​a liberal,​  is a misogynist and I honestly ​don't know if I can work for him anymore. Admittedly, this isn't a completely new revelation​,​ but my feeling of urgency is much more intense today​. This sense of disbelief and anger may propel me to make some new and more liberating choices for myself. Maybe you have things that you're now feeling moved to do as well.
These will be interesting days for sure.

And we've got a lot of work to do.

But before then, Hawaii. I leave tomorrow morning and I feel a deep sense of relief and gratitude that I get to jet off off to the farthest flung state (and a blue one at that) for a number of days to process this all.  

And if I don't gain some clarity while away, well, there's always legal marijuana. Kidding. I'd rather stay drunk. KIDDING. Kind-of. I bet you know what I mean though.....


Nauseous in Central PA said...

I'm grateful you were able to articulate this so well and share it. It so sucks. Both of my older kids were voting in their first election (middle girl even did the absentee ballot and first born made me so proud when he announced that he registered..perks of a college town with lots of canvassing) I was FaceTiming with middle girl when she asked if I knew what was happening. I had not logged on to the Internet and when I told her as much she said, "don't look, Mom". I reassured her that there was plenty of time between now (10:00 EST) and the actual outcome and we hung up still feeling joy from the historic standpoint of the day. I was truly not prepared for what I saw at 4am when I couldn't stay asleep. I'm grateful to have my kids be a bit older so there's more understanding of the world from their own experience/eyes. I'm grateful that their mixed party upbringing didn't alter the fact that they both voted with me and with her...and that is what made me cry and be happy on this surreal and sucky day. When you are sending out pieces of yourself into this big scary world, you want to being sending out the parts that choose compassion over selfishness. Enjoy the big island...wish I had an island to fly to right about now. (although the election map of PA will show you my blue island in the middle of the red state and for that I am thankful)

Me, You, or Ellie said...

This is excellent, Beth. I'm so impressed with your ability to articulate how you feel -- how I feel, how so many of us feel -- today. I'm a vacant mess. I keep thinking about all the *work* and all the travel and all the effort and all the emotion and thought and strength that went into Hillary's campaign and how they must be utterly gutted today, that it was all for naught. And how gracious she was in accepting defeat. Can you imagine the other way around?

As my friend Renee said on fb this morning, "I have no survival strategy." I thought Hillary was going to win and I don't know what to do now. Maybe joining you in Hawaii will help.


Love you.
Thanks for this.

Beth said...

I was thinking the same thing, Ellie. How did she pull that off today? She was incredibly gracious. And it's not only just this election that she must grieve for. She has been busting her ass for year after year after year, and she's not going to get another shot at this. And she was clearly feeling it for all of us women, young and old, who are so ready for a woman in the white house. Were so ready for her in the white house.

I was bawling.

In the end, I guess she can take some solace in the fact that she did actually win the popular vote.

This isn't easy.


Jacquie said...

I guess I've reached the acceptance stage. Such bullshit, but I can't help thinking about when the assholes all wished for Obama's failure back in 2008 and played so dirty to tear him down.. I said to myself then: "we'd never do that." I don't know what's next. This sucks.


Pat said...

I don't know if it was better or worse that I was on the Amazon the week leading up to the election. We were very frustrated on Tuesday with no access to Anyang. Then the Wednesday morning shock. I had to ask our guide to check his phone again and again.
Lots of processing to do. He has already broken most of his promises to his people by surrounding himself by lobbies to and billionaires. I would like to think it we will have change in four years but I doubt it. The Republicans have done so much jerrymandering that they have a lock.
I think he answer is for CA to succeed and start our own country. We are certainly big enough and nice and blue. Come on out PA.
Love Mom

P.s. Hope Hawaii is glorious!