Thursday, November 13, 2008

Boob tube

And I’m not talking about the TV. No, I’m talking about my second annual mammogram. Ouch. Those machines are too much.


Look at the "Selenia," such a beautiful name for such an evil machine.

Impressive, for sure. And a great screening tool, no doubt. We’re lucky to have this diagnostic tool available to us. I do realize this. But anyone that’s had one done has to admit that it’s a bit strange to have this rather sensitive part of your body, pulled up, out, and away from you, then laid on a shelf, and compressed -- with force.

And it’s not as though you can do this all yourself. No. You need help, in fact, at least in my experience, the technician takes over and woman handles your breasts into place. She’s also not shy about grabbing your naked torso to shift you left or right, or about helping you to relax your shoulders or brushing your hair out of the way. (All the while you're trapped by your own tit in the blasted machine.)

Luckily this woman’s hands weren’t cold. This cannot be said for the machine itself. Frigid. Iceberg. Glacial. But in a way the bracing cold is a blessing because it takes your mind off the force with which the top section is going to come down on your poor teat.

Once the technician has gotten you into place, she says, “Don’t move”; which of course is an invitation to your mind to start squirming. I decided to employ some breathing techniques I’d picked up in yoga. Good idea in theory, but guess what? When you take long, deep breaths you may still your inner self, but the singular part of you that does move is your chest. Try it. Did you see? Just your boobs seem to move. Not optimal for the mammography machine – a total rookie move.

Regardless, I survived my exam and even snapped the above photo of the Selenia at the end. The technician though I was a bit cracked, but here’s how I look at it, you fondle my breasts, I have the right to take a photo of your machine. (And I did ask first.)

I'm lucky to have this yearly screening; but I sometimes wonder why men don't have a similar one to check for testicular cancer. Where oh where is the manogram?

10 comments:

Nancy said...

A man would invent the manogram and find a way to make it an "enjoyable" pleasure, lol

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Glad you're taking such good care of 2nd base! I'm due to visit the old boob tube myself. It's difficult to believe that a less barbaric method has yet to be implemented.

Jacquie

Me, You, or Ellie said...

I have mine next week -- I get it *free* every year because I'm in the Connecticut Breast and Cervical Cancer Early Detection Program (over 40 with no health insurance). The good news is the local mammography center has all new digital equipment. so if nothing else, they can get it all sorted out on-site, immediately, without having to re-do films or any of that nonsense.

LOL at "just your boobs seem to move" when you do Deep-Breathing...

Ellie

xup said...

I think men have that snapping rubber glove test and fondling of aforemetioned testicles as their tests, don't they? I've only ever had one mammogram and it was horrid. The technician was horrid, the machine was horrid, the people who wandered through the waiting room while I sat there cold and topless were horrid. They have thermographic breast screening now, which is less invasive and more pleasant, but also more expensive. Nevertheless the mammogram was so horrid, I'd gladly pay the extra for another option.

Aunt Becky said...

First off, that cartoon is awesome. And secondly, I haven't had the pleasure of a mammogram yet, but I'm sure I will soon enough.

Shockingly, though, I have had a colonoscopy.

raino said...

i have a hard time believing that in this day and age we are still getting our privates squeezed to dead with this piece of machinery. incredible!

Kathi D said...

At my place, they are kind and leave a heating pad on the machine so it's warmed up! I don't mind the squeezing so much (bleh) but once in a while I get pinched by some part of the machine and that's a bummer.

bernthis said...

I'm due for my yearly "mammo" as well. The smaller the boobs the more it hurts because at that point they're grabbing flesh from anywhere they can find it.

bernthis said...

I forgot to say, I would be honored to be do a guest post on here. Just let me know if you're interested. Thanks again and nice to meet you all.

Heinous said...

Better safe than sorry regardless. Stay safe.

I was just thinking if they could make the manogram vibrate, it would be sorta cool.