Thursday, October 1, 2009


October 1. It seems at the same time to have finally arrived and to be here too soon.

Uncharacteristically, I've been waiting for cooler weather, for the summer to end and for fall to take over.

I'm longing for big sweaters and faded old jeans, for sofa blankets and wood fires, and my husband is already talking homemade soup and bread.

October is typically beautiful here. Not in the same way that New England is, of course, but there IS a perceptible change here in October. The air is dryer, nights are chilly, and most days are damn near perfect -- low 70s with full sun. Plus the tourists have gone home so the beaches and coastal parks are gloriously sparse.

I've finally started exercising again, after so many months of being a near invalid and recovering from my abdominal massacre routine c-section. I'm not doing anything crazy, mind you, I just don baby girl in a front carrier and we log a few miles around the bay. We practically own these perfect mornings.

But today, October 1, being the first day of the month, too clearly illustrates how soon October 19th will arrive.

That dire day marks my first day back at work.

I've got less than three weeks left at home with my baby!! How can I leave her here 5 mornings a week? She's just beginning to smile and to stay awake for longer stretches of time. She is starting to see things more clearly and to be less of a newborn and more of a baby.

And how will she survive without my boobs, and smell, and mother love?

Of course the reality is that she will thrive. She'll have her dad and a doting nanny, and she loves the bottle. Hell, she might not even notice. Who's my mama?

The real question is will I survive?

I've never done this before, and I'm dreading it. I managed to work part time from home with my other two babies, but this has always been the plan -- to take minimal time off and then return to work full-time. And prior to her arrival I was all confidence and bravado, but guess what? I've come to realize that I was full of shit.


October 1. Can we have September back?

I know we can't, so I guess I better get out there and enjoy these last weeks of freedom.


feeling for you in a colder PA said...

I'm no help.
I thought I could do it, and when Mary Poppins failed to show-up..well, you know the rest of the story.
But Carol pulled it off and her kids look about as normal and well adjusted as mine (interpret that any way you want). She did manage to negotiate a shorted work week (30 hrs) but kept her same wage b/c they didn't want to lose her.
I wouldn't want to lose you either so maybe that will help.
And on another note...big sweaters and blue jeans in San Diego?!
PLEEEASE! You must be flashing back to your childhood in NY and MD.
I'm in a big sweater as I write and we had to breakdown and load the woodstove last night.
I'll trade ya!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Ach, bummer time. One thing that saved me during those early days back at work after both babies were born were the frequent night feedings. Sure, I was a zombie and pretty useless at work even during the few hours I was actually there, in between rushing around for lunchtime nursing and such; but I'll always cherish those quiet hours that I got to spend alone with the baby, just gazing at and nourishing each other. It goes so fast!


Anonymous said...

Tough tough. It is so hard to know how you are going to feel until it is time to actually go. I think you are going to have it all, a fabulous husband, a great career and three amazing girls! Enjoy-like Jacquie goes so fast!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Aw Beth. Already? Seems like your wee girl just arrived. I'm sorry for you. Going back to work would suck anyway; this just doubles it.

Poor you two.