Thursday, May 3, 2012


Don’t you hate breakfast?

It’s so overrated, so conceited with its most important meal of the day bragging.

I am not opposed to breakfast foods, mind you. I am a huge fan of what my husband’s Uncle Dave referred to as the “Lord Baltimore.” I don’t exactly know what that reference even means other than a big ass breakfast meal. I do love breakfast food - any time after noon - preferably scarfed down after a morning workout or a big sleep in, bonus points if accompanied by champers.

And I love breakfast foods for dinner! Nothing pleases me more than a breakfast burrito at Tower Two, or the carnitas machaca at Miguel’s on a Sunday afternoon.

But on a work day, the thought of breakfast is abhorrent. Although I head straight to the kitchen upon waking each morning, the only sustenance I take for myself comes in the form of hot, black love with milk in my coffee cup.

I get to work, and once my stomach and my sensibility have settled in to the day, I’ll have a little fruit/yogurt/granola action, and I'll live my life. It’s allll good.

Except for the children.
Ever since my girl was a wee tiny bald creature,  she has needed food immediately upon waking. She only recently corrected her pronunciation of the “brefixed” (sob) she demanded.

My boy is more like me, he is squeamish in the morning and usually doesn’t want to eat. He comes to the table and collapses onto a pillow of his arms, a foul attitude surrounds his head like a dank aura of doom. I try not to hear his muttering in a feeble attempt to avoid drama. As I advise my daughter numerous times every day: “Don’t poke the bear.”

I am my mother’s daughter, though. It’s the ultimate irony. I know exactly how my boy feels, I remember those mornings at the yellow (nice oval) table, feeling like I really would barf if ate a single bite of whatever abomination my mom dared to offer.   I now understand the logic that leads a mother to believe that a bowl of cocoa puffs is better than nothing. If my kids goes out into the day without the most important meal of the day (eye roll) on board, I lose at momming.

So every morning, I ask what the kids want for breakfast, and my girl places her order while my boy goes on strike. On the rare day that he joins the conversation, I am thrilled  to be their short order cook. It does make me happy to see them eat a good breakfast. It does make me feel like a better mom. Brainwashed. 

Yesterday the kids asked for French toast, which is kind of fun to make although I’d rather walk the plank than eat that shit. It was all I could do not to gag as I flipped the soggy, soft bread in an attempt to burn it into some class of crispiness that I could even contemplate surviving.      

My girl doesn’t like things crispy, though. She even likes whole grain waffles all soft and mealy. Gross. At least my boy inherited my preference for burned toast and bagels. He eats runny eggs though, ew.

Don’t you hate breakfast?


Me, You, or Ellie said...

Oh no! Your girl doesn't say "brefixed" anymore?? I am beyond despondent.

And, wow, um, no? I don't hate breakfast. I just hate what people think should be served for breakfast. Cereal is for total chumps. I am a turkey-and-avocado-on-1/2-a-wheat-tortilla roll-up-girl myself.

Unless The Dowd is here. That man can put out a mean brefixed meal, I tell you what. I'll bring the champers.


Me, You, or Ellie said...

Yes, I do. I hate breakfast! I love this post! Breakfast *IS* so damn conceited, although I never thought to call it that before reading your funny post.

I would be happy to skip breakfast every day. Give me some nuts at 9:30 and I'm good to go.

But yes, the children. They're so damn needy in the morning, what with their hunger and inability to yet open the fridge door or pour the milk. (Ew, milk!). Well at least the shortest one.

Love this, J!


BreezieGirl said...

I am not a breakfast eater, but it's so frickin' pushy and required.

mom c said...

Such memories of those mornings trying to get Miss Jacquie to eat something, anything, and the guilt sending her off to kindergarten on an empty stomach...How does this happen to the youngest child?? love you Jacq. mom

starts her day right in Central PA said...

I love breakfast and some of my fondest memories of living in San Diego were the awesome heuvos options there. Start my day at the Hideaway Cafe in Solana Beach and it's bound to end well...
And breakfast for dinner? The easiest way to make everyone happy.
Guess i gave birth to chumps, 'cause they blow thru milk and cereal like it was free, but I did train them at a very early age to get it all themselves.
Love the post :)