Wednesday, August 27, 2008

a good recipe

Disclaimer: this was Ellie’s recipe right up until the moment I stole it.
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How to make a rockin dip that all the peeps will love wherever you go:
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First, clear all the shit off of your butcher block and look for a photo angle that hides all the other shit on all the other pieces of furniture.
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Now gather your ingredients, then thow a fit in a vain search for the tiny can of sliced olives that you bought and paid for, but are NOT FUCKING HERE
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Okay, take a deep breath. Get an assistant you can boss around. Make him wash his hands. Twice. We all know where those hands have been.
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Laugh at the assistant as he gags over the smell of the cream cheese he is being bossed into “spreading” into a glass pie dish.
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Here's a teachable moment: explain to your assistant how you’re going to slice the ½ onion in one direction, then turn it to complete the dice. Turn your attention away momentarily to bag the other ½ onion, then check very closely to make sure there are no fingertips in the onion that your assistant has taken to town with your carving knife.
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Have a heart attack.
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Give your assistant a slightly smaller knife, and set him loose. Dump prettily chopped onion on top of the cream cheese

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Instruct your assistant to open the cans of beans and chiles. Watch, mock, and of course photograph before you help him
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Marvel at how young and old he is at the same time. Tell him no he may not open all of the cans in the pantry now that he has mastered the technique.
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Dump the chiles (leave what sticks inside the can) and beans (with juices) on top of the onions, commingling everything harmoniously. Stop your assistant from stirring hard enough to cause tectonic rupture of the cream cheese
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Dump salsa on top of harmonious mess. Begrudgingly agree with your assistant’s assessment that it looks like barf.
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Coax your reluctant cheese-phobic assistant to sprinkle the vile substance all over the top. Promise him for the eighty fifth time that you will not force him to eat the disgusting cheese. Or the barf dip.
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Sprinkle the stuck chiles over the cheese. Curse about how this is where the olives would go as well, dammit. And would bring the colors together so nicely.
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Cover with foil and cook until it reaches the temperature and consistency of hot, molten lava. About an hour at 350.
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The dip must then sit and settle for at least 20 minutes, or you will scald yourself and your friends and you’ll never be invited to another party. This cooling is nicely accomplished on the drive west to the lovely soon-to-be-ex-house of your even lovelier co-blogger, whom you have totally bullied into having this sunset party. Think about that view and the good friends you will see. Ignore your assistant’s remarks in the car indicating that he’d rather smell farts than smell that cheesy barf dip.
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When you arrive, ignore everyone. Open the chips and park your ass in front of this magnum opus. Growl menacingly like cujo when anyone else tries to get close enough for a bite.
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To finish the recipe, add one blender full of boozy watermelon
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One perfect sunset, and lots of great friends.

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It’s a keeper.

15 comments:

Ellie said...

Great one, Jacquie! I've always called it "Goop" (or as Mumsie says, "Gup"), but now I'll have to call it "Cheesy Barf Dip."

Andother important fact about this Cheesy Goop Dip (I'm sorry; I just can't do it) is you can make it in the car, on the way to the party. Which I've done many times. Course, then you have to find a way to cook it at the party. Someone needs to invent one of those engine-ovens.

Beth said...

Can one still look lovely when eating cheesy barf dip?

h31n0us said...

Damn it...here I sit at work. Now I'm hungry. I'd prefer booze, but I'm gonna have to go find a snack instead.

jenboglass said...

Yum. Thanks for the recipe. I can't wait to try it this weekend. But I don't think I'll fix it in the car. I'm just saying.

Mary C said...

OMG Jacquie, you crack me up! Any chance I can borrow your assistant to open some cans!?

xo
mary

Rita.the.bookworm said...

Oh, everyone loves a man who can cook! Tell him when he's thirteen, he can get a buddy to sign up for a cooking camp with him and they'll have a ball, because the other 18 people in the class will be female, and those little teen thangs will be swept off their feet with his mad can-opening and onion chopping skills.

Leslie said...

I was hungry before I read this now I'm downright starving. I literally said an "ooh" out loud when you said bake it. Yums!

Captain Dumbass said...

One of those pics made it look the the whole dip was onions. Ick. I'm still hungry anyway. Thanks.

That One Guy said...

I think CuJo's growl is less "menacing" and more "junior high girl squeal"...

But maybe that's just me.

Jacquie said...

I have never met a person who did not love that dip. It always moves! Dumbass (I just love being able to address someone that way), it's only 1/2 of an onion, the amount that my assistant was chopping. It looks like a lot beause of the white cream cheese underneath.

Ellie, I remember your notion about making it in the car, I'm not sure that everyone carries a cutting board, knife, and can opener but you're right, it can be done. It takes so long to cook though, it's got to be a long party and someone you know well enough to hog their oven.

And Guy, are you saying that Cujo is not menacing? Ye Gads, did you read the book? Or are you saying that you imagine I'd squeal like a schoolgirl... you've clearly never tried to get between me and my dip.

nicoleantoinette said...

I don't know how much I'd love the dip, but I'd definitely love some boozy watermelon. Yum.

What? It's only 11:19am? Who cares.

XUP said...

Looks delish. I want the boozy watermelon recipe, too, please. And, why does your cream cheese stink? Also, I'm available for dip and boozy drinks parties any time.

Beth said...

Well, XUP, you're in luck. The recipe is listed in the comments for the Juciy and Satisfying post.

Here it is again:
This is based for 1 drink:
2 parts frozen or non frozen watermelon
1 part citrus flavored vodka
1 part pomegranate juice(optional or lemon juice if you use regular vodka)
1 part triple sec or Cointreau.

Blend all the ingredients in a blender. Pour in Shaker to strain as you pour into chilled martini glasses.

Madness said...

Yum Yum and Yum .. Madness is referring to the VODKA and TRIPLE SEC of course.. screw the rest. Indeed if Madness were to eat the Cheesy Barf Dip AND drink the VODKA and TRIPLE SEC then Cheesy Barf Dip would become JUST PLAIN BARF. YUMM-OH

XUP said...

Thank you! That DOES sound yummy