Or is there?
Apparently there are lots of people out there who are opposed to neutering. They feel it’s disfiguring their pet, and that it hurts their, uh, self esteem. (I think I could make a pretty strong argument that pets don't have any concept of sexual identity or ego, but anyway…)
These folks are what the website I’m about to introduce you to calls “neuter-hesitant.” In fact, this company claims on their website that most people, over 80%, hesitate or even refuse to neuter their pets. (Hmm, how many of these folks do you think are men?)
And supposedly (again, according to this website) what tips some pet owners into the sane, responsible category of people-who-know-there-are-already-way-too-many-unwanted-pets-in-the-world are neuticles.
Well, what in the hell are neuticles you ask? None other than testicular implants for pets.
I kid you not.
Neuticles allow “your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.”
And the Neuticles motto is: With Neuticles- It's like nothing ever changed!
They go on to claim that they are:
An Exact Replication... Neuticles replicate the testicle in actual size, shape and weight and feel.
Okay, now hold right there, who the hell is fondling their dog’s balls? Or do I just not get this because I’m not a “dog person”? C'mon, people, stop feeling up your dogs!
The website also provides some customer testimonials. This is my favorite:
"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one."
Uh, no Lane, he’s a DOG! He is not a guy. What you need to do is go out and get yourself a guy.
This is another goody:
"Neuticles were the absolute least I could do."
And if all this is not enough for you, if I've left you wanting more, you can get yourself some genuine Neuticles merchandise.
What about a Neuticles visor? There’s nothing quite like advertising dog balls on your forehead.
Or wait, better yet, why not an actual Neuticle keychain, in your choice of small, medium, or large? Nothing like holding testicular implants in your hand all day.
Wtf? What is the world coming to?