Friday, March 6, 2009

Wtf Friday: Neuticles

A dog I know needs to be neutered. He’s almost 14 months old, and it’s time. Although he’s a purebred, he’s not a show dog and he’s not going to be bred, so there’s no reason not to neuter him.

Or is there?

Apparently there are lots of people out there who are opposed to neutering. They feel it’s disfiguring their pet, and that it hurts their, uh, self esteem. (I think I could make a pretty strong argument that pets don't have any concept of sexual identity or ego, but anyway…)
These folks are what the website I’m about to introduce you to calls “neuter-hesitant.” In fact, this company claims on their website that most people, over 80%, hesitate or even refuse to neuter their pets. (Hmm, how many of these folks do you think are men?)

And supposedly (again, according to this website) what tips some pet owners into the sane, responsible category of people-who-know-there-are-already-way-too-many-unwanted-pets-in-the-world are neuticles.

Well, what in the hell are neuticles you ask? None other than testicular implants for pets.

I kid you not.

Neuticles allow “your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering.”

And the Neuticles motto is: With Neuticles- It's like nothing ever changed!


They go on to claim that they are:

An Exact Replication... Neuticles replicate the testicle in actual size, shape and weight and feel.

Okay, now hold right there, who the hell is fondling their dog’s balls? Or do I just not get this because I’m not a “dog person”? C'mon, people, stop feeling up your dogs!

The website also provides some customer testimonials. This is my favorite:

"He's a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one."
Lane Hinderman
Metairie, Louisiana

Uh, no Lane, he’s a DOG! He is not a guy. What you need to do is go out and get yourself a guy.

This is another goody:

"Neuticles were the absolute least I could do."
Glenda Nelson
Spring, TX


And if all this is not enough for you, if I've left you wanting more, you can get yourself some genuine Neuticles merchandise.

What about a Neuticles visor? There’s nothing quite like advertising dog balls on your forehead.

Or wait, better yet, why not an actual Neuticle keychain, in your choice of small, medium, or large? Nothing like holding testicular implants in your hand all day.

Wtf? What is the world coming to?


Me, You, or Ellie said...

Oh, good one Beth. "There’s nothing quite like advertising dog balls on your forehead."

So, now a whole generation of doggies are going to be whispered about behind their, um, butts: "Psssst. Think they're real??"


The Blue Ridge Gal said...

Neuticles? Wow, some people out there just have far too much time on their hands. We did not neuter our last boy puppy dog (and he had big fuzzy balls... lol) until we had to due to health issues he was having.

It did change his personality... he became much more whiney AND talk about lazy too... As long as a male dog never has a chance of escaping his yard, AND has no major alpha issues then I don't see neutering unless it IS for health issues.

That being said.. we now adopt our pets, and the SPCA requires neutering and spaying all of them. *sigh.

Faux balls? Are they saline?? LOL

The Blue Ridge Gal

Kathi D said...

I won't let Barkley see this, in case he's missing something. Sheesh.

Di, there's the rub. There is no such thing as "never having a chance to escape his yard." Barkley's personality didn't change at all with neutering. He is still all boy.

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Darn, I should have saved Moki's ovaries to make into a pair of earrings!


Lola said...

Well, being a life-long dog person, I'm shocked by this insanity! Knowing my two nutcases, they'd chew those foreign objects right out and choke to death on them.

WTF is right!

Middle Aged Woman said...

Dollars to donuts says there was some kind of federal earmark legislation related to this in one way or another at some time.

mumple said...

Sweet! I know several men who seem to need referrals...Seriously, they need to strap on a spare set of mine, since theirs are all shrivelled up and useless.

Springer Kneeblood said...

I disavow any relationship to any of the people in this part of the world who were quoted...not everyone in Louisiana and Texas wraps up their own egos in their dogs' nuts. I am an advocate for neutering, both canine and human.