Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hold on loosely

I’m done with the predictions, the calculations, the plans, alternate plans, and back up plans, as it’s becoming ever more apparent to me that they are unnecessary and, more to the point, a waste of time and mental energy.

Maybe this sounds defeatist, but I don’t think it is.

Instead I’m going to work on holding things more loosely, on letting go of my natural desire to know what’s coming -- to somehow plan for and control the future.

“It is possible to befriend uncertainty, to remind yourself and others of the fluid, ever-changing nature of things. To remain awake to all possibility,” writes Rachel Naomi Remen MD, in her chapter titled “Promises, Promises.”

This chapter, like many others in her book, “My Grandfather’s Blessings,” is the outcome of what she learned from her late grandfather, an Orthodox rabbi and scholar of the Kabbalah. This particular chapter stems from his custom of adding the words “God willing” to any voiced future plans. Because, well, you never know…..

I am not Jewish, nor do I carry with me wisdom from my grandfathers, as both were dead before I was old enough to retain clear memories of them, my father’s father dying when my father was still just a boy, from a lone strike of lightning – the perfect illustration to my point, for tell me who could have seen that coming.

My decision to let go of my attachment to particular outcomes stems from something far less dramatic, from another bleed while lying in this hospital bed last night. I have finally come to realize that I will not know when this baby is coming until she comes, and to recalculate her due date based on every drop of blood, or doctor’s prediction, or subconscious desire is both useless and exhausting.

So if you ask me for details or dates regarding her birth and I just shrug my shoulders, please don’t take offense. I’ve just finally come to terms with the fact that she’ll burst into this world when she’s ready, God willing.


Rita said...

I think that's the only way you're going to remain sane through this, Beth.

My last pregnancy was a nightmare, (but, in comparison to yours it was a breeze!), and that's finally what I ended up doing, just letting go and letting happen what would. I AM a religious person though (I prefer to call myself "spiritual" since I don't adhere to all the dogma of one brand of religion, but whatever), and I found my last pregnancy to be an ongoing dialog with my God. In the end, I still don't know why things were the way they were, if maybe I had been a little too uppity and needed to be taught a lesson about who was really in charge or what. All I know is that for some reason, He felt I needed to suffer to bring that child into the world.

For some non-religious or non-spiritual folks, maybe the idea of believing that a God had some intent seems naive and silly. But, for me, when I give up all control to the wind, I like to believe that at least that wind is in control and has a plan, lol. I want to believe that something or somebody does!

Anyway, I wish you peace through this, because that's all you can hope for... peace. What will be is what will be. And, I guess be thankful for every day she stays put, because that's another day towards the end goal. You poor thing. I really feel for you!

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Sounds like a great plan, girlfriend. The up-side to being in the hospital until she is born is that you really do not have to fret or worry about it - you are in the best hands there, and there are plenty of very smart people who will make all of the decisions for you and for the baby.

I will refrain from asking publicly about the status of your new granny panties after the late night drama. Check your e-mail ;)

Hang in there, baby! (both of you)


Me, You, or Ellie said...

Good attitude, Beth. Sorry for your troubles, but man, there you are, right where they can take care of you.

This little ol' Cappi of yours is going to be one hell of a girl, you know that, don't you?


your friend in PA said...

sounds like a wonderful book and sound advice...I'm sending you love and positive prayers your way!
remember that the hardest times in life can end up being the most rewarding. I think this pregnancy qualifies!

Kathi D said...

That is a good plan. Babies always come when they want, anyway, don't they? She will be so loved and so lucky when she arrives.

Mom C. said...

Hang in there Beth, maybe you'll have a Yankee Doodle Dandy. Thinking of you. Mom C.

Johanna said...

Great way to look at it Beth. I know this sounds crazy to say, but enjoy the down time! I'll come see you soon...

Lola said...

That's all you can do. I tried with all my might to control my nightmare pregnancy, and it's a total waste of energy. You're in the right place, and everything will work out ;)

If it makes you feel any better about being out of control and spending the 4th in the hospital, I'll tell you that I'm spending my holiday weekend cleaning up toxic dog doo instead of lying on the beach down the Cape and stalking the Kennedys.

I hope that makes you feel better!

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