Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Much ado about nothing

Not being able to do much of anything myself, and having to ask people to do things for me does not come easily to me. I don’t like it, in fact I detest it.

Don’t get me wrong, people have been great, and have been doing all sorts of things for me and my family (without us having to ask). Very helpful things that have made the last weeks much easier on us all. But it’s still really hard to let people do all of the tasks that I’m used to doing (and to accept that they’re not going to do them exactly the way I do, which is, of course, the right way).

I don’t like feeling indebted to people; partly this stems from the way I was raised, partly it just makes me uncomfortable to get so behind, if you will, because although I want to pay back everyone who has done any little good thing for me, I worry that I won’t be able to, or will let an opportunity pass, or will forever be in karmic imbalance.

But more than all that, I hate being dependent on other people. I’m used to taking care of myself, and other people, and now I can only take care of myself in the sense that I do as the doctors say and hope my body doesn’t betray me. But, let’s face it, I’m not really taking care of myself. My husband, primarily, is making all my meals, doing all my laundry, washing all my dishes, etc., etc., etc. A coworker is covering the tasks I can’t really do from home while I'm out. My husband is shuttling the kids back and forth to school, and camp, and play dates, my friends offering the play dates so that my husband can take a break, and my kids going to longer play dates more often.

It’s all fine, certainly not a terrible situation -- no one is sick, no one is dying, no one has suffered a great loss.

But I find myself on edge, and constantly having to remind myself to let things go. The milk does not have to always be rBGH free, the toilet seat does not need to be replaced this week, and the sale of my condo will go through without me going over there for a final walk through.

I’m successful at letting things go lot of the time. I really am, because, honestly, what alternative do I have? But when my ex-husband texted me today completely pissed off that I pulled the girls from swimming for the next 4 to 8 weeks (while flat on my back and unable to drive), the feeling of helplessness was almost overwhelming.

Take a burden off your overworked husband, get two-word texts from your ex-husband that read: Fuck you.

It stung. I’m really trying to do the right thing here.

I know I should just be pissed at the idiot for being completely insensitive to my situation, and I am pissed, but more than anything I feel powerless. It’s such a sucky feeling.

It will pass, all feelings do. I know this, and I eagerly await this particular feeling’s passing. But in the interim, I cry, just a little.


Rita.the.bookworm said...

Oh, I feel for you. I really do. I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, but man, that is unfair of him. I can at least tell you that--he's being a dick. But, if he weren't a dick, he'd probably not be your EX-husband. Sigh. Shitty people suck.

Debbie said...

That is terrible. Why are some people so mean?

Logical Libby said...

What an asshat. Why can't he take them to swimming if it is important to him?

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Aw Beth, you can't let yourself fall into the trap of feeling indebted to the people who want to help you out. Karma’s about putting good things out into the universe, and because you live your life with good intentions, you need to feel okay about being on the receiving end right now. Think of it as people helping out the universe, and you just happen to be in need of some universal assistance at the moment. When things shift, balance will be restored. Don’t keep track, that will only create a vicious cycle of guilt.

Hang in there, girlfriend!


Anonymous said...

Daughter dear:

I wish I could help, but then you would feel indebted to me, too.
And you know the balance will come when you have to take care of me in my dotage.

Love Mom

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Aw, Beth. And you can't even stomp around the house. Or drink heavily.

I think writing "fuck you" in a text is really, really bad karma. Not trying to give him too much focus, but.... Who does that?

Hang in there, kiddo. Cappi will be here soon, and then.... all your friends will help you with her!! Yippee!!!


Kathi D said...

My mom was just like that when it got so that she couldn't do everything for herself (well into her 80s), and as much as I tried to talk her out of it, I'm sure I'll be the same someday. (At least yours is temporary!)

sending you HAPPY vibes from Central PA said...

you'd have thought you took them out of school to sit around and watch bad cable tv with you all day.
He can focus his anger on the swimming b/c he's been the f* up in their lives...let it go because we all know the thing about karma :)

Me, You, or Ellie said...

Thanks for the sage advice, Jacquie. I'm going to take it; the way you lay it out it's much like CA DIS on my paystub -- you pay in a little all the time, and then when in need, you take your share :-)

And, I know, Elllie, who does do that? Apparently asshats do (great word Libby).